Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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