We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
