Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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