somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
