Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
