Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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