What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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