HIV tests are more positive than that guy
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
