Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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