After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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