She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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