I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
