i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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