I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
