Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
