All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
