I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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