so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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