Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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