Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
