First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
