Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
