We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
