I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
