Betty ford says i'm here all night
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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