i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
