Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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