just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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