He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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