I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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