life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
