ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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