new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
