He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
