Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
