Umm I'm too high to move.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
