My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
