the new term for farting is butt boxing.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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