Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
