I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
