is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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