They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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