I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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