like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
