oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
