Sorry, I don't speak sober.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
