so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
