can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
