I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
