I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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