i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
