I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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